Making My Madness Matter
Time is such a funny and weird thing; it has a pace of its own. Time can either fly by or drag on, one minute you are having the time of your life the next minute it can earth shatteringly stop you dead in its tracks. Yet as mystical as it is, it remains the one thing we never have enough of.
Recently I took a little time out, or maybe I went batshit crazy on a self sabotaging journey to rediscover who I was, or who I thought i’d become. Whatever way you look at it, I decided to commit some serious time to reflect upon my life so far and process the experiences that had become my chaotic and messy reality. Motherhood, divorce, loss and tragedy.
I naively entered my 20’s thinking the world was at my fingertips. I had secured my dream job, a career path i’d dreamt about since I was 9 years old. By my early 20’s, I owned my own property, albeit a little three bedroom home in a less then desirable South Western Sydney suburb. It was my castle. By my mid 20’s, I walked down the aisle and embarked on what I thought was a life long partnership. And by 26, I become a mother for the first time. We created life, a little human I grew inside of me. It wouldnt be long before we had another on board, growing our tribe.
I entered my 30’s and upgraded my little home and built a grand palace in comparison to my first. And after a miscarriage, we welcomed our rainbow baby. Our family complete. Sadly there was no warning that my world was about to come crashing down around me… literally.
By my mid 30’s I was a shadow of my former self, no longer a confident married mother of three with hopes and dreams. I was torn down, humiliated and destroyed. I was facing life as a struggling single mum, questioning myself as a woman, having been delivered the news my then husband was leaving me for a man. I instantly become worthless, used, embarrassed with little will to continue on.
As the moths past on, I turned to Tinder in an effort to gain confidence and feel like I wasnt the worthless woman I had become to believe whole heartedly I was. And with a right swipe, I met a man who would change my shattered world and lift me up. Meeting him for the first time I was a nervous wreck. I’d been out of the dating scene for so long, and now I come full of baggage. Standing outside our meeting point, I called my BFF “this is stupid, what am I doing?”. She convinced me to stay, after all I had nothing to loose and a free meal to gain.
As he approached I was instantly drawn to his impeccable smile, and his bright beaming eyes. He was handsome or more accurately, hot AF! It was love at first sight.
The next 6 months, as we got to know each other, he took me out of my comfort zone and made me feel things i’de never felt before. I was alive, and craving more. Finally, I was feeling worth something *insert the tune of Katy Perry, I am woman hear me roar!
Family has always been a big part of me. They’ve been my support, my grounding and my sounding board to vent my lifes frustrations without judgement. Loosing my mum shattered me. It wasnt fair. Why her? How could this be happening? How could I survive knowing I couldn't call her, I couldn't meet her for coffee, or go shopping and pass our time together.
Three weeks after saying my hardest goodbye, I was about to be delivered some more life shattering news. First a knock on the door, served with paperwork from my ex husband, initiating the family law court process, quickly followed by a phone call. My dreamy right swipe was involved in a plane crash, thrown from the air and spun to the ground, left lifeless and fighting for life.
My life had gone from bad to worse to amazing to down right tragic in the blink of an eye.
Now, just 17 days away from my 40’s with wisdom and life lessons gained from the nightmare that is my life, I forge forward with appreciation and drive to make me a better person, and ultimately, make my madness matter.